JUNE 15 2016 ~Monthly Update (4-Months)

JUNE 15 2016 ~Monthly Update

The above is true, and only when we start seeing changes in ourselves, and find the things we like about ourselves can we see it truly in others and mean it. I find us as woman are quick to notice beauty in other woman, but brush it off when someone says something wonderful about us. Its a hard lesson, and going forward I am trying to accept compliments, and not awkwardly turning them into negative comments n my mind. I've got this unhealthy relationship with compliments, and have my whole life. Someone says something nice and I immediately turn it into a unhealthy response, and self sabotage myself in some way or form, usually leading me to eat something bad, as a way to hide. Is it about food, weight, or self esteem...I don't think so, I think it is something deeper. I feel that somewhere in my brain I don't feel good enough, I don't feel worthy of peoples love, and perhaps putting n the weight is my way of staying behind the scenes, not getting noticed, and staying in that dark place I have made for myself. You wouldn't know it, being around me, as I also hide behind an image of happy go lucky Nat, the fun one in the group, the organizer, and to some point that is me, the true me, and who I want to be, who I am, but if you look deeper, I usually have complete control of those situations so I cant get hurt, or be the center of attention. I over give of myself, my time, my money, but at times I have been taken advantage of, and I am really aware of that. Anyways, a bit off track here, I am working on these internal issues, as my physical self reflects so much on my emotional self, and reasons for why my weight got out of control. I know, like most of us our childhoods were unstable, and not ideal and this has a big part of out adulthood, and we must deal with these issues as well. 

I get it, there are underlying issues and I am working those all out so I can get past them. Its all one step at a time, and building my mental strength is a big part of building my new physical self. So moving forward I am trying to accept compliments and really let them soak in, and make myself believe that the person who gave them did with no ill will, and truly meant it. I want to soak in those moments and allow myself to feel the love that person shared with me. This will be hard for me, but I need to grow and this is one way to do so. I know that when I give a compliment from this point on...I will make sure the person who I am complimenting knows it comes from a place of love, and I wont let them brush it off. If I say it, I mean it, and want you to feel it.

This last month has been interesting. The scale has not moved much, but that is okay. I knew getting to this point the scale would slow right down. This is the beauty of this whole system, is having people who have gone before you, having supportive people telling you what to expect and how each stage will be. Knowing what is to come, the struggles you will have and the ways to deal with them help so much. I am so grateful to my Doctors support group for allowing me the weaknesses and the uplifting people to help me through the moments where I feel defeated or not great, or need a pick me up. It is an amazing source of strength as I navigate this always changing path I am on.

My body is constantly changing and it is fun to watch, experience and see. I have a love hate relationship with getting thinner. I absolutely love seeing my body change, fit into small clothes, shopping, and know that I am getting healthy, I hate the extra skin dangling around, which to be fair I knew was going to be my greatest struggle and in a way I believe this is why me starting to lose weight had been put on the back burner, as I feared the skin. I did not want to have it, to deal with it, have the health concerns that come with it, and for vanity reasons. I have not been a self conscience person before, and I knew with the skin I would be, and I am. I had always been a hard fat type of person, meaning the 'bad' fat that didn't jiggle. My belly was hard, my legs were hard and my arms were fully round and hard fat. Now all these areas are dangling. The 'bad-fat' is going away, which leaves lots of skin. My arms are hanging, my belly is drooping and my thighs are starting to have loose skin.

 ~This is how I feel right now, about all the extra skin. I know its part of the process but it is a pain in the ass. At least it shows how far I have already come, and I should be happy with that.

I CHOPPED MY HAIR OFF.
Another troubling system that I was not looking forward to was hair loss. And let me tell you the struggle is real. At approx. the 2 month mark my hair started falling out....and falling out BIGTIME. Each time I would touch my hair, run a brush through, have a shower, or just exists bunches of hair would come out. I have to constantly pick hair off my shirt, de-clog the drain, and constantly pull all the hair from my brushes. Its so bad that I have bald spots on the top of my head. Again, I knew this was coming but OMG it sucks. Vanity is such a weird thing. I never cared how I looked before, didn't care how others viewed me, but that was before when I was hiding behind my fat, trying to blend in to everyone/thing around me, being the person in the background, doing for others and ignoring me.....BUT times have changed and I started focusing on me, working really hard to make changes in my life, and stepping out in front for once, putting myself first. I have people watching me, following my blogs, my facebook and being in the spot light a bit more makes me self conscience for the first time ever. SO funny right....I care what people thing right now. I am doing so good for me and people notice, and I don't wanna have extra skin or balding spots...grrrrrr.
BUT small prices to pay for the amount of weight I have already lost and where I plan to be going in the future with my health. I am really lucky and cant lose focus on that.

 

Going back to work has been both amazing and yet stalling my work out schedule quite a bit. I'm not getting out as much as I was being off work. Not walking as much, however making adjustments at work to get out and walk during my shift even just for 15 min, and while working I am constantly moving, going up and down stairs etc so I do my best to get going and still work out lots when I am off work.
I wont make excuses, as I told myself I will never do so again, and once settled in my new schedule I will get more in again. I find that I am missing my outdoors walks, and was so grateful I had the time off to enjoy some of the fantastic weather we had, to walk around in nature and enjoy some of the great locations on the island. I cant wait to get back out there.

         ************ 100 lbs ~ just around the corner *********************
I am right on the cusp of a HUGE milestone and I have so many emotions going on. I am within steps of reaching 100lbs lost and I am so excited, and yet these last few pounds seem daunting and like they will never come as the weight loss has slowed dramatically but that is ok at the same time. Its a really weird feeling as in some moments I cant see it, it feels like I have so much further to go. And sometimes I am like, holy crap I've lost a lot. I mean 100lbs, that's incredible, and if I were looking at any other person who achieved this I would be in awe, I would cheer them on, hug them, make them realise how bog of a deal this was, and yet when its you, you think could be better...BUT I am trying to live in the moment and be happy, excited, and amazed by myself. I'm going to do something big, something to make this moment memorable, to remind me how free of my restraints (weight) I am. Lets put this into perspective....check this picture out......

I am not there yet, but soooo close and by the next update I will of crushed this goal. My one weight goal in this journey was to lose 100lbs, as all my other goals were health related. And its here, just around the corner...and I am proud of myself.
OKAY, lets get this done...the last 10lbs..
Let the countdown BEGIN....
...did I mention I have almost lost a 2 month old horse!!!!!

Today was a HUGE moment. I did it, I climbed to the top of Cobble Hill Mountain, and I loved it. I struggled at times, but was not going to give up on making it to the top. For the first time ever I felt like I just had to do, to prove to myself I could, to feel that feeling of accomplishment, and to feel alive. I needed this right now, and I felt so proud of myself when I got there. The view is amazing as many people in the last few years have told me it was, and now I got to experience it. It was at the top of my Weight Loss bucket list and felt so good to cross that off.

Stay Tuned~ Nat :)
Mind/Body under construction