10 Months LITTLE BLACK DRESS - DEC 1 2016

LITTLE BLACK DRESS - DEC 1 2016

OK, perhaps not a little black dress, but a purple and black dress.
A GOAL dress.
This little beauty I picked up as a GOAL dress to get me through the holiday season, and all its temptations. Now that my belly has fully healed is the dangerous point in which my body can continue on maintaining, losing or gaining. It will be a tough time of year not only for my continued successes, but the temptations of holiday goodness all around me. So for me to remain focused, I purchased this dress 2 sizes too small, and am motivated to get into this little thing for my cruise in January. I have hung it in the bathroom all of November so I see it each day, and now going into December I will move it into the kitchen right next to the fridge. Game On. This will happen. I am determined to fit into it and look awesome in it.

Stepping out of comfort zone: There are also things I am venturing out to do. I am a pretty adventurous person who has been locked up behind this weight for so long. Frozen by the fears of failure, the thoughts that everyone is looking at my size and not me, afraid if I wasn't the funny one people would see the pain in my eyes....so its time to take that part of me back, to step out of my comfort zone and do the things I have always wanted to but quieted in my mind and chose to not participate. People may not understand this, however it is like I was paralyzed more by what others thought because of how I felt about myself. No more. I feel good, I feel safe, and more than that I don't want to hide anymore. Its time to step out and do what I love. Physiologically speaking I know its more mental that anything...and I continue to work on that. Each time I take a step forward I deal with why I feel the way I do. Confront those fears.
So I took a few art classes, with random strangers with a few friends, and let me tell you, I am no artist, but man it was fun. And more so I didn't think about my body images once, not one time did I feel uncomfortable. YAY me moment.

First class I did a Halloween jar, and second class I made a Polar bear mug/bowl, once it is in the kilned it will turn white. So much fun. I also have another one scheduled for a Santa mug this month!
Vitamins:
So I am still taking a lot of vitamins and thought it was good for another update. I know a lot of people have sent me privet messages asking about my line up and here it is.
Almost 10 months out here is my Vitamin Line up:
Vitafusion Multi-Vitamin -chewable
Vitafusion B12 - chewable
Jaieson Omega 3 - chewable
Vitafusion Fiberwell- chewable
Nature Bound Hair, Skin & Nails - chewable
Nature Bound Vitamin D - chewable
Hair Volume Biotin - Pill Form
Jamieson Zink - Lozenges
Jamieson Biotin - Pill form


HAIR LOSS:
Again this is one of the bad side affects to virtually starving yourself. Hair loss.
I am happy to say that my hair has started coming in, I see signs of new growth, and am thrilled. Its a double edge sword. A right of passage per say. Your hair hold nutrients, and when your body starves, it take nutrients where ever it can, which unfortunately comes from hair, nails etc. So the natural thing for your body to do is to take it, and you end up with thinning hair, brittle nails, and hair loss. I have had to chop my hair, which was hard as I always had really thick hair, and lots of it. I always complained I had so much thick curly hair, and no I regret ever complaining about it. I have some bald spots, each strand is so thin, and my hair fell out in clumps, if you look back to some previous posts you will see the progress to no hair I have gone through. So funny that you go on this journey for whatever your individual reasons are to be better, to extend your life, to be healthy...and then you realise how hard of a struggle each phase is. I am not shading light on the experience, as this is and will always be the best gift I could have ever experienced, but this journey is tough. There are a lot of challenges, and after the initial surgery, there are new challenges as you continue, and I promised to document these so that others would be aware of them, and prepare for them. Yes hair loss is part of the process, but it too ends, and regrowth will start. Here is my winning hair line up that I started using 3 months before surgery, and continue to use now and am happy with.

Once you are able to have coffee again without upsetting your belly, I highly suggest changing up your protein drinks and adding a double shot of espresso. Having worked at coffee shop for some time, I can assure you that espresso has less caffeine than coffee, so if you are still sensitive this is a great alternative. It taste amazing with chocolate shakes. Drink Up! Sip Sip Sip, and get your protein in, how ever you can!

THE SCALE: Each pound counts. Don't beat yourself up if you don't lose. I have come to realise that the scale cant tell you anything but a number, and you are more than that. Its a constant fight and I fell into that trap of scale watching, wishing each time I stepped on seeing it drop, and beating myself up if it did not. But a friend of mine said to me, can the scale tell you how far you have come, how you beat the last struggle, or how amazing you are? Nope! Its just a number, and you cant let that control you mentally as there are so many more components to this journey that will lift you up and make you feel so good.

Measure your progress on firsts...the first time you realise you have to buy a new bra or undies as they are falling off of you, the time you realise your shirt is so big that it looks funny on you, the first time your favorite pants fall to your knees, the first time you realise your belly no longer rests against the steering wheel, the first time you order off the kids or senor menu's and don't finish what's on your plate, the first time you walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath, the moment you are aware that sugar tastes too sweet, the moment you want to go for a walk instead of sitting on the couch, that time when you notice you have crossed your legs and didn't know when that started, the time when you sit on a chair and not worry about it breaking, the first time you get into a bathing suit and love it, the first time you realize you see your ankles, or your wrist is smaller.
THE SCALE CAN NOT TELL YOU HOW GREAT YOU ARE!

MY WEDDING RING: So something fabulous happened. I have not been able to wear my wedding ring for many months as it would just slip off. At work I threw out my hand to direct a guest where to go, and there went my ring across the lobby. So I moved it to my middle finger, and then I could no longer wear it and felt horrible. I hate not wearing it as I am so proud of my marriage, so in love with what it represents, and how much love I feel when I look down and see that I have found the man of my dreams. So Chris and I decided we would get my a necklace until I lost all the weight I wanted which I was happy about. So we went to the jewelry where we purchased the ring and they stated lets check your warranties, so because we purchased the lifetime warrantees, I could have my ring re-sized as many times as I want! Say what?!?!
So excited, so we sized my finger and sent it off, and I am thrilled.
Feb 2016 - Ring Size was 11.5
Nov 2016- Ring size is 9
That's is insane, and so crazy to think your fingers can lose that much circumference.

HOLIDAYS: I will indulge, I will enjoy the holidays, BUT the big difference this year is my focus wont be on food, and I will make sure, at home, at work, in my car I will have good choices to eat. Will I eat chocolate...yes, will I have stuffing...yes...will I have treats...yes, but it will be balanced. I know when someone has surgery, others around them become food police, watching the persons ever bite, and or suggesting they eat 'and apple' instead. I am a grown woman, I have done the work, I am on this journey for me, and I can live my best life, and wont apologise to anyone for anything I do as far as my health. My journey is just that...mine. I appreciate people and their opinions, and I am lucky enough to have supportive people in my life who know me, and I am not worried about this happening to me. I have heard from many of you who have been through this or worry that this will happen...

SKIN: Endless struggle at this point. I look at others who have gone through this before me and I gotta say the skin thing scares the crap out of me. Friends who have started this part of the journey are being honest about it. The skin struggle, the surgery involved with the removal is 10 X worse than the WLS (weight loss surgery). The down time is endless, the pain is extreme, and the recovery is hard. Lots of ups and downs, and this concerns me. I have researched it to death as I have stated several times was always the thing I feared most. WLS was never my concern, I knew I could do it, and rock it as I am stubborn, but the skin...the pain...the steps you have to do. I would lie if I said it wasn't a concern. At this point I am sure I have approx. 6-10lbs of extra skin on my body, but nowhere close to being ready for the surgery, so I must continue on my path and know that dealing with this skin is just another challenge to deal with. And I will...I will make it through.

Please be kind to yourself, and don't allow others words to be your journey.

Stay Tuned~ Nat:)
~Body under construction

November 12 2016 --------9 Months Out

What?
How did that happen, nine month gone, so fast.
I know it has been a while since I have written, and it has weighed heavily on me, as I said from the start this would be a raw look at my journey, the goods the bad, but the real journey. Highs and lows, Successes and trips.

I realised the other day that it has been a year since I stopped drinking pop. That's a big deal coming from someone who drank a few cases a week. Its funny how addictive sugar is, and how it transforms your body. Mentally its an addiction that is hard to kick, and physically your body reacts to having it, or not having it.

Trying to think of where I left off...I believe the biggest issue at hand was my hair loss, which I am happy to say at approx. the 7-8 month mark stopped falling out which is due to the fact that my stomach is finally done healing so the addition of carbs, and nutrients has helped significantly with hair starting to regrow, nails becoming strong again. Its a great feeling to know you are out of the starving your body phase. This whole experience is such an odd transition from a self described carb junkie over eater, to be told you need to starve your body until healed, and then you need to put carbs back in.
WAIT WHAT?
Yes, this was really hard for me to do. Put the food that was trying to kill me back into my body to increase calorie counts made no sense. So I researched it to death and struggle each day with putting the right carbs into my body, the carbs you need to survive and not the filler carbs which I had grown over time to love and depend on. What was my go to food...chips, potatos, bread. YUM.
Now I understand the ways these react to my body, and make better choices (most of the time), and always eat my proteins first.

One of my biggest goals was to not be a diabetic anymore, which I have come to realise isn't possible, however can be controlled by diet. No one is ever clear and dismissed of what sugar can do to a body that has abused it for a long time. I find the smallest amount of sugar still throws me off completely and I actually feel the affects a lot more than I did when my diabetes was out of control. I feel I have control over it, but the odd time it sneaks back up and I feel horrible. I can actually feel the affects happening, which reminds me a lot of how my brother dealt with drug addiction. I remember we use to have several conversations about When he got clean, and how he could feel again, feel his nose stuffed up, feel sick, feel a head ache, taste food etc etc, and I get it for the first time. Everything that goes in my body now I feel. My body reacts in a positive or negative way which is a weird way to experience food.
I hit the 100lb weight loss goal, the only weight loss goal I made, and it is still hard to believe that I was 100+lbs heavier than I am now. Mentally I still see that 326lb person when I look in the mirror, I see fast losers exceeding my weight loss and take pause and remember this is my journey and only what I do matters to me. I remind myself to take lots of pictures, and do side by sides as I really can see it if they are in front of me. I have come a long way, I am proud of that. Yes I have further to go, but it is my journey, and I will do it at my pace.

Just like everything in life there are struggles, a lot of them. Having WLS is the easy way out~said no weight loss patient ever. It is a tool, gifted to you to get you started, but it is up to you what you fill your body with, when or if you go for that walk, and how you choose to do this journey. For me, I was in a great place leading up to my 7-8 month, feeling really good, making really good choices, feeling healthy, working out a lot, and taking all my vitamins, my hair stopped falling out I hit and passed the 100lb weight loss mark, but with this came a down side.

FOOD
My stomach was healed, meaning more could fit in, less problems with certain foods, and I had the ability to increase my calorie counts, sounds good right, absolutely, as this is what is suppose to happen, and I am still making great choices. Are some of these choices perfect, nope and Id be the first to admit to having chocolate or alcohol, and even the odd chip, but that is my choice. I am living, and I wont feel bad or guilty for it. I think back to a year ago when I could sit with a Large Bag of chips and a 2lt bottle of pop and have them gone in an hour. Now I choose to buy a few chips and eat them over multiple days and only after I fill up on my proteins and water so I can only fit in 1-3, but I feel Like I got to indulge a bit and that is okay. I have healthier, wiser choices for that chip than I use to. There is so many healthier options out there these days, and that's where a social media group is so supportive. Its great to ask questions about food, and have people giving you better options. I'm completely happy with my choices up until now....I may regret one choice I made involving a large chocolate bar, but I learned my lesson.

LOOSE SKIN

I knew before this process started that I would have issues mentally with the loose skin, I knew it, I tried to prepare myself, but honestly there is no preparation, or kind words out there that can change how I feel about this skin. I HATE it. It is annoying, gets in the way, makes me feel dirty, and just a pain in the ass. The amount of stuffing that goes on to get it all in, the re shifting through the day is insane. I no longer have boobs and to be honest I just dislike every aspect of it. Chris doesn't care and I don't care about body image, as I did this for my health and no other reason, I just dislike being constantly reminded of how large I was. My fat, had always been fat fat, the bad fat, the hard fat which I always loved as my body didn't jiggle or move which I was always grateful for as a larger gal, but I know that was the bad fat, and a lot of that is gone, which is kinda karma as I jiggle with the best of them now. My arms are so much smaller, but you wouldn't know with the draped skin hanging off of them...etc etc I could dissect each part of my body but wont bore you with details. I know mentally I tell myself I am healthy, happy, and lucky to of added years to my life.
This was my decision, and with it came challenges, and I know all that  and I will always be grateful to Dr. Z, the support group and my friends and family. Its okay not to enjoy each part of the journey, as there is good and bad in each new step. My biggest challenge was always going to be skin for me, and I have accepted that and will deal with it when the time is right.
I actually gained 4lbs as my skin sat better on me. Weird I know, maybe psychological, and that is fine, but I feel more comfortable. Once I am feeling better from my accident injury and can work on those areas, I will continue to work on my body, the skin may or may not tighten a bit with toning...we will cross that bridge when we get there.

I am happy where I  am right now and that is all that matters.
I will continue to write in here as much as I can.

Stay Tuned~ Nat
~Body in Progress