How did that happen, nine month gone, so fast.
I know it has been a while since I have written, and it has weighed heavily on me, as I said from the start this would be a raw look at my journey, the goods the bad, but the real journey. Highs and lows, Successes and trips.
I realised the other day that it has been a year since I stopped drinking pop. That's a big deal coming from someone who drank a few cases a week. Its funny how addictive sugar is, and how it transforms your body. Mentally its an addiction that is hard to kick, and physically your body reacts to having it, or not having it.
Trying to think of where I left off...I believe the biggest issue at hand was my hair loss, which I am happy to say at approx. the 7-8 month mark stopped falling out which is due to the fact that my stomach is finally done healing so the addition of carbs, and nutrients has helped significantly with hair starting to regrow, nails becoming strong again. Its a great feeling to know you are out of the starving your body phase. This whole experience is such an odd transition from a self described carb junkie over eater, to be told you need to starve your body until healed, and then you need to put carbs back in.
WAIT WHAT?
Yes, this was really hard for me to do. Put the food that was trying to kill me back into my body to increase calorie counts made no sense. So I researched it to death and struggle each day with putting the right carbs into my body, the carbs you need to survive and not the filler carbs which I had grown over time to love and depend on. What was my go to food...chips, potatos, bread. YUM.
Now I understand the ways these react to my body, and make better choices (most of the time), and always eat my proteins first.
One of my biggest goals was to not be a diabetic anymore, which I have come to realise isn't possible, however can be controlled by diet. No one is ever clear and dismissed of what sugar can do to a body that has abused it for a long time. I find the smallest amount of sugar still throws me off completely and I actually feel the affects a lot more than I did when my diabetes was out of control. I feel I have control over it, but the odd time it sneaks back up and I feel horrible. I can actually feel the affects happening, which reminds me a lot of how my brother dealt with drug addiction. I remember we use to have several conversations about When he got clean, and how he could feel again, feel his nose stuffed up, feel sick, feel a head ache, taste food etc etc, and I get it for the first time. Everything that goes in my body now I feel. My body reacts in a positive or negative way which is a weird way to experience food.
I hit the 100lb weight loss goal, the only weight loss goal I made, and it is still hard to believe that I was 100+lbs heavier than I am now. Mentally I still see that 326lb person when I look in the mirror, I see fast losers exceeding my weight loss and take pause and remember this is my journey and only what I do matters to me. I remind myself to take lots of pictures, and do side by sides as I really can see it if they are in front of me. I have come a long way, I am proud of that. Yes I have further to go, but it is my journey, and I will do it at my pace.
Just like everything in life there are struggles, a lot of them. Having WLS is the easy way out~said no weight loss patient ever. It is a tool, gifted to you to get you started, but it is up to you what you fill your body with, when or if you go for that walk, and how you choose to do this journey. For me, I was in a great place leading up to my 7-8 month, feeling really good, making really good choices, feeling healthy, working out a lot, and taking all my vitamins, my hair stopped falling out I hit and passed the 100lb weight loss mark, but with this came a down side.
FOOD
My stomach was healed, meaning more could fit in, less problems with certain foods, and I had the ability to increase my calorie counts, sounds good right, absolutely, as this is what is suppose to happen, and I am still making great choices. Are some of these choices perfect, nope and Id be the first to admit to having chocolate or alcohol, and even the odd chip, but that is my choice. I am living, and I wont feel bad or guilty for it. I think back to a year ago when I could sit with a Large Bag of chips and a 2lt bottle of pop and have them gone in an hour. Now I choose to buy a few chips and eat them over multiple days and only after I fill up on my proteins and water so I can only fit in 1-3, but I feel Like I got to indulge a bit and that is okay. I have healthier, wiser choices for that chip than I use to. There is so many healthier options out there these days, and that's where a social media group is so supportive. Its great to ask questions about food, and have people giving you better options. I'm completely happy with my choices up until now....I may regret one choice I made involving a large chocolate bar, but I learned my lesson.
I knew before this process started that I would have issues mentally with the loose skin, I knew it, I tried to prepare myself, but honestly there is no preparation, or kind words out there that can change how I feel about this skin. I HATE it. It is annoying, gets in the way, makes me feel dirty, and just a pain in the ass. The amount of stuffing that goes on to get it all in, the re shifting through the day is insane. I no longer have boobs and to be honest I just dislike every aspect of it. Chris doesn't care and I don't care about body image, as I did this for my health and no other reason, I just dislike being constantly reminded of how large I was. My fat, had always been fat fat, the bad fat, the hard fat which I always loved as my body didn't jiggle or move which I was always grateful for as a larger gal, but I know that was the bad fat, and a lot of that is gone, which is kinda karma as I jiggle with the best of them now. My arms are so much smaller, but you wouldn't know with the draped skin hanging off of them...etc etc I could dissect each part of my body but wont bore you with details. I know mentally I tell myself I am healthy, happy, and lucky to of added years to my life.
This was my decision, and with it came challenges, and I know all that and I will always be grateful to Dr. Z, the support group and my friends and family. Its okay not to enjoy each part of the journey, as there is good and bad in each new step. My biggest challenge was always going to be skin for me, and I have accepted that and will deal with it when the time is right.
I actually gained 4lbs as my skin sat better on me. Weird I know, maybe psychological, and that is fine, but I feel more comfortable. Once I am feeling better from my accident injury and can work on those areas, I will continue to work on my body, the skin may or may not tighten a bit with toning...we will cross that bridge when we get there.
I am happy where I am right now and that is all that matters.
I will continue to write in here as much as I can.
Stay Tuned~ Nat
~Body in Progress
No comments:
Post a Comment