September 2015 is when I made my decision of which Doctor I would be using based on Canadian Bariatric recommendations, my friends recommendations as well as who I picked after speaking to the narrowed down two choices I had selected. After contacting Go Light Bariatrics, my date was set for February 2016, my deposit paid ($500), and I was beginning my journey.
Since that point I set a clear path for myself. Setting up systems for starting this journey ahead of me.
Vitamins: I wanted to start all vitamins (Dr. Z recommended) right away to get my insides ready which included Omega 3, a chewable Multi Vitamin, Biotin Capsule (hair & nail support), Vitamin B12 (Liquid form), Zink, and a script for Acid reducer. As you can see most are in liquid form or capsules, as once the surgery is complete I can not swallow a whole pill for 6 months, and anything you put into your body is absorbed at a rapid speed so slow is key, and this is why I will now chew vitamins, or open capsules and add to liquid etc.
Set up Support Systems: This began with my friends and family. Just starting talking about it, getting myself and them comfortable with the process, the struggles, and what lies ahead. I have had in-depth conversations with my GP, with my diabetic clinic contact, and spent time talking to my surgeon, Dr.Z on the phone, through skype and on his support group. The support group has been very valuable seeing people at all stages of the process. Dr.Z support group is key in the investigation stage, pre-op, post op, questions and answers, and just finding a place where you feel safe and supported no-matter what you are feeling or thinking. They have all been through this or are going to go through this change, so it is a great resource for me. Dr. Z, can always be reached, and if he is in surgery or busy will contact you ASAP which is really handy.
Work Out: I wanted to begin to work out more. At my weight it is hard for me to get on a treadmill and walk or run, heck its hard to walk up a flight of stairs. So I do Aqua fit at the local pool. I am usually in the water for approx. for 2.5hrs, with 1hr being class, and then walking laps, swimming or strengthening the remainder of the time. Do I sometimes not want to be there, and just float around...absolutely, but the point is I made it there. I take my dog for more walks, hikes and started changing small things like parking far away from doors, and walking to go get my mail. Starting In January I began walking 1/2hr each day which is awesome for me and my happy puppy. Deep inside I have always loved working out. I used to be very athletic, and played tons of sports in school, lifted weights, and was a great swimmer. I hope to fall in love with all this again. Perhaps run a marathon or swim laps effortlessly. The future is endless and I cant wait to see the new me, the body that awaits, and all the potential it has.
Consumption: Is all about what my body needs now instead of what it wants. This is the hardest part of the whole life change. This isn't a 'oh I'll just have a bite', or perhaps 'I'll eat this and be good all day tomorrow' Because that cant happen. If I do it comes with serious consequences after surgery like throwing up, lodging food in my stomach, dehydration, and most serious of all stretching out the stomach which could cause leakage, staples popping, splitting of the lining and up to death. So it was very important that I learned how to eat before the surgery so I knew what was going to happen after surgery. PROTEIN in key, you must change all your carb intake to protein. Your body needs protein to survive, and as you will not be able to eat more than a few bites of food for at least the first 4 months protein first intake is most important.
Think about this for a moment: For the first 6 months, you will only be able to eat 2-4 very small bites of food each hour. You will have to chew each bite 30-40 times or for 1-2 minutes. You can only consume up to 4 oz of water each hour. You will never again be able to eat and drink at the same time. Eat on the hr, drink on the half hour. Then imagine being told, you need to consume 120grams of protein a day to survive, and you must drink 64 ounces of water a day so you do not suffer from dehydration.
These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. Surgery, not worried about, but the idea that your intake is so controlled scares the crap out of me (says the person who likes to be in control). This is where the "WLS being a easy fix gets thrown out the window" There is nothing easy about keeping your body alive.
October 1 2015: I started on a pretty strict regiment for myself. Every day I would have/not have the following:
*Added G2 Gatorade and water (Lots of water)
Breakfast: Protein Shake, Greek high protein yogurt and vitamins + Diabetic Meds
Lunch: Salad + Protein (egg or chicken).
Snack: Protein Bar, Cheese, and or Fruit.
Dinner: A balanced meal, less carbs (rice/potato) more protein, lots of veggies + Diabetic Meds
Snack: This is where I allow myself right now something I crave, but most times pass.
*Am I perfect at following this?
Absolutely not.....does this scare me....absolutely....do I beat myself up about it....100%...... I have those thoughts... "I'm a failure", "I will never be able to do this", "What am I getting myself into", "I'm gonna fail", "I cant even follow this now, how could I ever follow it when I have no choice".Then I snap out of it. I talk it through with myself, with a friend, with my husband and realise it has taken me years to become dependant on food for emotional issues, and this is an emotional time. Of course I will go back to food, and my struggle will be how to find alternatives to this. Its a learning experience for me, for my family and friends and for each of you reading this. My relationship with food is not a positive one, its an addiction just the same as a heroin addict turning to another hit when they cant deal with the world around them. Carbs are my Heroin, they make me happy, forget whatever issue I am dealing with and let me hurt myself in the only way I know how, but the reality is just like after a hit of heroin it does not last.
"And just like any other addict I have admitted I have a problem, and am going to do my own rehab, being admitted, having surgery and really struggle for the next 1-2 years while I become the person I feel like on the inside".
Motivation: Is a funny thing. And to each person it is different, and people pull from their own wants and needs to get through. For me, my bucket list is my motivation. My regrets are my motivation and the people around me are my motivation.
Bucket List: In my heart I feel I am an adventure traveller. I want to ride rapids, climb a mountain, get thrills from amusement rides, ride a camel in the desert, bungee jump, go, go carting, kayaking, scuba diving, swim with a whale shark, run a marathon in another country, backpack to exotic places...and so on.Regrets: People have weird relationship with regret, a lot of people say they live without regret. For me regret doesn't have to be a negative thing if you can come full circle and see what made that issue/situation a regret and change it. For me this is things like not accepting friends invitations to events, as I didn't want to be the fat one, or in the summer the sweaty one, or just self conscience while I visited. When I travel I tend to travel within my weight guidelines, and opt out of experiences based on my weight such as a hike with a group as I may not keep up, or a helicopter ride as they have to weigh you first, and things as simple as sitting in the sidelines and watching others do activities I wish I could do. Once I am to where I want to be, I will re-experience those moments and correct the regrets.
People: The people around me give me motivation. To see someone else go through this, to have the support systems I need in place and to know 'that I got this' is huge. My doctor and his team, my home team, and most importantly me...I have me. I think also with my choice to be transparent will give me the confidence to achieve this, to share my story, to educate others on the good, bad and the ugly of this journey. To allow myself to be venerable to everyone. To put it all out there....this is who I am, in the full. To say out loud that I need help! I'm sure as I go my motivations will change with me, my inspirations will develop as I grow or shrink into the new me.
October 2015 Pre-op
I really struggled this month, and had not fully made the transition to the strict regiment I set out for myself. I think mentally this stage got the better of me. Don't get me wrong I was way better in October than I was in the several months before, but it kinda started sinking in, that the foods I have come to love were slipping from my grasp. Mentally it was hard to not think of the cons, or self sabotage myself. I mean if I fail now I can just bail and no one will know the difference. This month started slow, in fact I was to start October 1st, but really started about 1/2 way through the month. I found this month a time for learning, for soaking in as much information as I could, to come up with plans. I don't have it all figured out, nor will I ever, because just as in life you learn as you experience. Regardless I managed to lose 6lbs!
November 2015 Pre-op
I stuck to my plan about 85% of the time eating:
Breakfast: Protein Shake, Greek high protein yogurt and vitamins + Diabetic Meds
Lunch: Salad + Protein (egg or chicken).
Snack: Protein Bar, Cheese, and or Fruit.
Dinner: A balanced meal, less carbs (rice/potato) more protein, lots of veggies + Diabetic Meds
Snack: This is where I allow myself right now something I crave, but most times pass.
I spent a lot of time talking to Dr.Z, getting all my questions answered, asking lost of questions of his support group, by people who have gone through this, and gathering all the information of what was needed before, during and after the surgery. I did okay this month with my weight loss and was able to lose 10 more lbs.
December 2015 Pre-op
Ooooooh December, why do you taunt me with sugar plums, treats and chocolate?To be strong in December is now going to be a life long struggle, always has been and always will be. I was very nervous about December back in October, and throughout November, but was determined to not fail myself. I really spend most of November thinking about all the food I would miss in December. I did allow myself Christmas week to eat as I wanted, although I did eat a few treats I was conscience on what I was putting in my body. I didn't over indulge. This was a huge victory for me. I found myself thinking about next Christmas 2016 and fitting into a great festive cocktail dress, or to wear heels, and how much healthier I will be. Christmas is a time of hope and joy and believing in miracles so my wish is for a miracle to come true.
With all the ups comes the downs. My downs lately have been clouded by fears. Real fears of starving to death, or becoming de-hydrated, of not getting the right amount of nutrients in, or drinking to fast. They say practice eating and I haven't not once been able to complete a mouthful as advised. It sounds rather silly, but once I have surgery if I don't chew my mouthfuls 30+ times and swallow slowly or it has massive consequences. I know a lot of these fears are in my mind, a lot of this is the un-known, and I can rationalize this, but cant help the fear I feel. I have done good, great almost from October until now, but gotta tell you emotional eaters or most over weight people are, this is a trying week for myself. I search everywhere for foods, the "last" cravings I will miss, the last bite of something I love. I mean 6 months without food.....6 whole months. That is scary as shit. I'm not even gonna get back on the scale to see what I have gained back. I'm not even hungry and eating. This is frightening, If I cant do this now, how will I do it when I have no choice, when my body feels like it is starving, how can I ever get through this. I am struggling real bad this week, knowing next week is go time, the pre-op diets starts and there is no going back.
My friend Laura really put things in perspective for me, and I try daily to think of what she said. She said (and I added some details) "A Heroin addict grows up and makes a choice to try Heroin at some point, get addicted, and then chooses to go to a treatment center for help, and then avoids Heroin, BUT a Food Addict has no choice but to have food from the day they are born. They are surrounded by it, so when they become an addict, there is no treatment place, nowhere to avoid it, and they cant stop eating, even after they choice to get better."
My wish is for a better/stronger me in 2016!
Stay Tuned
Under Construction~ Nat :)
