LOSING CONTROL

LOSING CONTROL

The path to being in control of your whole life is a hard long journey. Especially after a traumatic loss when you don't allow yourself to grieve, to feel, and only allow yourself to maintain the control needed to get through each situation as it occurs.

Funny thing about control is in trying to keep it, you silently start to lose it without ever knowing it. The more things I've tried to control, the more I pushed my feelings away and focused on everyone else's healing I put my own health in a bad place. The stress made a cyst grow in my stomach to the size of a volleyball, weighing close to 20lbs which needed immediate surgery. I took notice, I began to realize the career that I had worked so hard to have was killing me. The stress of juggling looking after my parents, making sure everyone was okay, and all was planned, and my work achievements were still going well.....had almost killed me. All the control in the world couldn't stop me from killing myself so I finally checked myself....

The more I tried to tell myself I could handle it all, the more sick I got. And I got BIG, I ate all unhappiness away. Finding myself asking how happy I was or wasn't took up a lot of my time. Yes, I made a lot of money, yes I could travel to great places a couple times a year, yes I had friends and family that loved me, but I couldn't answer what made me happy anymore without it involving someone else. Meeeee, what made me happy...I had no clue. Food made me happy. All I thought of was food, where to go out with friends, looking for places with lg portions, what I was going to make for dinner, and I tricked myself always including friends or family to join me, as if that made it okay, acceptable or even normal. I was always in control of what I ate, how much, and how it made me feel.

CONTROL, needed to go. I desperately need to Lose Control.
I quit my job, my career, my life...just like that. Walked in, had a sit down with my boss and left. Booked a flight and bought a Euro-train pass, went and got fitted for a back pack, got a few things together, called a couple friends in the UK and heading half way around the world to find myself. I already had some extra weight so it was a win win...was gonna walk myself thin while searching for my happy.

So off I went, 30 years old, to venture out on the scariest adventure I never thought I would ever have. To live outside my comfort zone with a detailed itinerary of what I was going to do when with who (control), and how I was going to get there(control), what I would do when I was there(control), the experience I would have there(control), ....you know...the losing total control while being totally in control of every move I make. I quickly realised this changing in me. I had no one to answer to, no one to impress with my skills, and no one to look after. I could be whoever I wanted, do whatever I desired, go wherever my feet took me, and be me?!?!

After starting by visiting friends in UK, on my first train ride  away from my comfort zone I ripped the sheet I had so carefully planned everything out with, took a deep breath and threw it in the garbage. The whole time I was away, was the most freedom I had allowed myself ever! I learned a lot about myself, I found happiness in small doses, and had time to grieve. When I returned I tried very hard not to go back to the place I was before. I took jobs that didn't have me being the boss, or having the responsibilities in my life where I lost sight of who I was becoming, and I really did hold a lot of what I found about myself close to my heart going forward.

Navigating through life up to this point has been a struggle of the control vs letting go of control in each decision I make, however I do take pause to make that decision carefully. Naturally I am a leader which puts you in a role of control in most aspects which I have come to love about myself. On the flip side of things my weight is totally out of my control.

Which leads me to this blog, and why I am putting my health first....for me...for my husband...and for all the ones I love who would like me to be around a long time...
...enjoy.

Stay Tuned
Under Construction~ Nat :)