I have just been picked up in a police car, sitting in the front seat, my room mate in the back of the car. All I know is that something has happened, something so unbearable that the police have driven over from my parents house to pick me up in the middle of the night. Sitting there, I think a thousand thoughts in as few seconds as one could. My heart starts to beat faster, almost like I can feel in in my throat starting to choke me.
Looking at the man who just got into the drivers seat, pleading with my eyes for him to tell me something, anything, just wanting to put some reason to how out of control of the situation I felt. 'I was always in control, of my life, of my past, of my future, of my emotions, of my thought process, of my career direction, of my ambitions, of my responsibilities ...everything.'
.
.
.
This was the moment......
This moment when I became completely, nakedly, vulnerable to someone else, to feel for the first time in my life the furthest feeling from being in control.
The Moment after these words.....
'Adam -----'s body has just be brought to the morgue', comes over the police radio.
That was the moment.
At that moment I was out of control, out of my mind, out of my body. Looking at this person screaming at the top of her lungs, thinking omg she is historical like on the movies, shut her up already. Realizing it was me, me wailing screams of epic proportions. Knowing my friend was stuck behind the safety glass trying to get to me, and me trying through the chaos of the moment trying to find some control...I look at my feet, suddenly aware that I have two different color socks on and I remember thinking 'how could I leave the house with two different socks on?' Still screaming, a 3 minute drive seems like hours, pulling round the corner to my parents place I see my mom on the front porch and I begin to cry uncontrollably. The car barely stops and I leap out and run up to my mom and dad.
Very quickly, at some point in the next hour I gained control again, was able to control my emotions, my composure, and the situation. And I began to deal with the situations that followed one by one, the calling of people, the preparing, the planning, the picking up of relatives, writing the obit, preparing the eulogy, helping my parents, arrangements for the celebration of life, the preparation of the body, food prep, more coffee to be made, dropping off of relatives, organizing a one month get together, then back to work, moving back to parents to help out, planning a six month BBQ for all Adams friends, and I kept busy busy busy......but I was in control.
Stay Tuned
Under Construction~ Nat :)
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