I secretly fight constantly between rational thought and the old way of thinking in regards to the scale. The scale hasn't moved much as of late, and it still okay.
The rational part of me knows I'm absolutely gaining muscles, feeling bones Ive never felt before, and losing inches like a mad man. But the old me fights daily, hourly, minutely with the scale not moving frustrating me, and wanting me to emotionally eat?!?! Like that's a choice....I cant even get any more food in if I tried, but it makes me very aware those feelings are still present, and when my stomach heals I have to have this under control as I can not let this be a down fall of any kind. It shows me I still have so much work to do mentally.
It seems that the mental part of this journey is so much harder than the physical side of things. I knew it would be, I knew that it would be hard, but holy crap I didn't realise just how hard it would be to wrap your mind around the change. Its like your body s changing so rapidly in so many ways and your mind wont let it be seen to you. I know my body is changing, I feel it each day BUT when I look in the mirror I see that 326lb girl fighting emotionally to pretend I'm happy
Am I sad, not at all. I am so content with where I am, how I am doing, and all the personal bests I have come across. This new me rocks, and I love it. I know I'm a better person, its just hard some moments to see it. The struggle is real.
I kinda wish we didn't have a scale in life sometimes. Why must one be judged by what a scale says, why must we hold ourselves hostage to another's view of what is the 'right' amount to weigh, why can we not just get to a healthy place in our own bodies whatever that would be and be content. Its really a mental rollercoaster when you try to achieve what other people view as the right weight to be. I am glad I said right from the start that my goal weight was not relevant, that I had no goal for my weight loss, and that I was just trying to get healthy, lose diabetes, and live longer from being better each day. Its kinda perfect as I have already made huge dents in that, and I worry that sometimes, when people make goals they get disappointed if they don't make their goal, or their goal is so far away. For me I have great triumphs each day! Each day I notice changes and I love that aspect of this transformation.
So as you can see its a crazy aray of emotions each day, but so worth it.
My friend Laura and I went to Walmart, as I needed a few clothes, as I just needed a few pieces to get me through the next little while and their prices are ok. Its a hard thing, as you don't want to shop as your still changing but at the same time all you want to do it shop. I look funny know in all my clothes. They are so baggy, and nothing in being held in. I mean, my undies are only being kept on by the crotch area of my pants. kind sad, my bras are a free for all with boobs swinging and moving and just hanging as there is no support. So some cheap undies and bras a were a must, and it made all the difference. I also find its a bit of a mood booster. You gotta remember when you look in the mirror and you look like a frumpy mess as your clothes are hanging all over you really cant see what you actually look like, or how far you have come.
So back to Walmart. We were looking around and she said the dreaded words that left me frozen mentally standing within the clothing section of Walmart.
"Humour me and try on a smaller sized outfit"
My breath quickened, my heart pounded, and I felt like I couldn't move. My brain couldn't handle it, thinking so many negative thoughts all at the same time.
AND if that wasn't enough she said, lets try something on you from the REGULAR section, not the plus section.
ARE you kidding me, I was on straight meltdown mode, trying to act cool about it, but she pushed me, and my mind was frantic about how to get out of this, how to say no, and how to run and hide. All the fears I had ever had about clothing shopping flooded into my mind, and I thought I was having a panic attack, and anxiety breakdown, and I had so much doubt run trough me.
I immediately gravitated to what I was used to as far as sizing, grabbing onto the clothes I am comfortable with, and grabbing stuff off the rack to try on in a size smaller, and Laura was in the regular section grabbing clothes for me to try on. I told her I cant try them on, they wont fit, she said 'humour me', I said there is no way, 'humour me', I told her I need something baggy (old me), 'humour me'.
So there I was standing in the changing room with both my Plus size clothes and her 'Normal' Size clothes hanging in front of me, separated on each side of the tiny changing stall I was in. I stood in front of that mirror with my droopy undies and bra on staring at the mirror and was freaking out. I wanted to cry, and was trying to breath myself down, relax, and just be okay in the moment. I sat down on the bench, and just thought it out, begged for the rational side of my brain to step forward. Then began a conversation with myself...If I try them on and they don't fit I'm not a failure, I have come so far, and they will fit at some point, If I have to wear the plus size clothes for a while that's fine, I cant beat myself up over this, they may fit, they may look good, they may make me feel great. Why I afraid, why am I overwhelmed by this. I'm wasn't prepared, or didn't have totally control and I a working towards that in life so lets do this. I cant hide in here forever...I got this.....lets just try.
*Note when I started this I was between a size 26-28.
SO there I was, putting on the SIZE 20 pants, holding my breath as I stepped each leg inside, and slowly pulled them up (I made myself watch my face in the mirror). Before I knew it they were on...they were all the way up, and I just started at my face and noticed I was smiling. I was happy, I wanted to cry and laugh, and yell..."hell yeah".
I then grabbed a XL shirt and slid it on no problem....what the heck!
I honestly did a happy dance in that small little stall I was in. Then opened the door, walked out with pride and shook my booty for Laura. WHAT I was in a SIZE 20!
I cant explain that moment.
Did I feel uncomfortable....YES....only for the reason that I always wore clothes baggy, that hid all my issues, and these were form fitting and I could blatantly see all my issues BUT I was in them, I was in a SIZE 20. I was so happy Laura made me do that. She is such a good friend.
FOOD:
Here is some great new recipes I made this week.
Protein Balls which are 72 calories and perfect for after the morning at the track.
Oats, Peanut butter, honey, Protein powder, and choc chips
Mini Won Ton Tacos
Mini Won Ton Pizzas
This next week is a week of change, and I am ready for what is to come. It will be full of mixed emotions and I need to stay strong and get through it in my new way...without food. This week I choose working out. I will work out through all these feelings and become stronger on the flip side. This is also a joyous time, and I will take moments to rejoice in the moments, and find peace within me. Its a good year to be me, lots of change! whoot whoot, lets do this!
Stay Tuned ~ Nat
Mind/Body Under Construction
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