SUNDAY:
Its my birthday week. Turning 40. Yeah 40! How did that happen? Inside I still feel 30, but some parts of me are breaking down as a 40 years olds body naturally does. Its a weird thing. I was so excited about 30 years old, and was really happy with where I was in life. I was working really hard at a career I thought I loved, made lots of money and could travel the globe, and was set for a fabulous life, the only problem it came with no life attached. I worked so much I cold never enjoy the simple pleasures of spending time with loved ones, friends, and forget the idea of a relationship. I remember up until around my birthday as being great, achieving so much, and feeling fulfilled. My family and friends had arranged a huge Birthday get away for me and them, cabin rentals on Saltspring Island, and instead of 30 we lost the 0, and it was going to be a 3 year olds Princess Party. I was so stocked, and excited and couldn't wait to be 30! To feel grown up, and alive, and see and spend time with friends.....and then the December before my brother passed away, which then led to me getting really sick and in the hospital for my birthday. Needless to say the whole birthday celebration was out the window. We had to all cancel our reservations, put the great ideas in a vault somewhere, and just start surviving the next year of our lives which was a whirlwind of things forgotten, moments un-lived, and a sadness un describable. What I thought to be the best year of my life so full of hopes and dreams, was the real wake up call for life to start, for 30 to be the year I really grew up, and the time, where so many of my decisions became about the people in my life and not the stuff, or the money, or the fabulous trips. The only thing like I said in a previous post that became out of control was my weight.
So getting back to 40!
Its kind of fitting that turning 40, a whole 10 years later, I am getting rid of that last thing holding me down. I guess in some way that is why turning 40 seems so huge to me, seems overwhelming to some degree, but really life changing. When I reflect how the last 10 years have been for me, I smile, I feel whole, and in a small way I thank Adam for giving me my life back. Would I trade him for it all, in a heart beat, however I am so grateful of the git he left me with. LIFE. To live out loud, to stand up for myself, create new dreams, and enjoy the best parts it has to offer. Do I miss the $$$, absolutely, but I wouldn't trade it for everything I have now and how rich I feel inside.
40.
40 strong years of building a foundation on who I am. I guess the idea that you strive to be a better person, and at some point you become you seems tarnished to me. I think I realise for the first time, its a constant evolution and you should always be changing who you are. Keeping your morals, ethics, and values, but transforming into a better or best version of yourself should be constantly changing. That's what I have learned at 40. To be trying to better myself each day, and find the simple joys in the life I was given. This journey I am on now is a reflection of that for me, transforming my health into a better version than it was before, and allowing myself to live the best life I can.
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MONDAY:
PUREES start today, and I am so nervous. So fearful of throwing up, or eating to fast, or much. I'm so afraid of failing at this stage, or eating the foods I shouldn't. Today I woke up tired and restless, as I couldn't turn my mind off last night, going over the plan for today over and over. I pre-made all my foods in 3oz potions just so I get off to a good start. I know the dreaded 3 week stall is coming and I don't know mentally if I am ready for that. I'm fixated on the fact the weight loss with stall. It could be a week to 3 weeks from what I hear, and that scares the crap out of me. I have taken my Measurements from the start of this process with my Weight, so I am hoping to see the inches still decrease, and hopefully mentally I can cope with this.
Had a fabulous day yesterday and even though it rained, sunshine, rained some more, thundered, and rainbowed I not only got out for my walk but brought a bunch of people with me. Chris and Bailey came, Mom tagged along, and Laura and family came. It was a fabulous day. Even Lyum (7 years old), said auntie Natalie, the best day is spending it with family. Made my heart melt, and he is right. Changing old habits of going for food, to making plans walking is so good for everyone. Being in nature, have great conversations, and just enjoying exercise is brilliant. After we did go for lunch, but it was nice to see a small bill, as it would of cost us double before, however eating less costs less, and it is a win win.
DAY 1 Purees.
So today I am nervous about putting food back in. I made sure I had several options on hand so I wouldn't be discouraged. Its funny preparing food for a toddler knowing I am going to be eating it. Trial and error...lets just say the dog is gonna have a fabulous meal for dinner. At least its all good food, as I normally don't feed her people food, however its a small amount and its good for you.
WATER
So I started out with 2oz of Egg Whites w/ Cheddar, and managed 2 bites. Yokes to the dog.
WATER / 1/2 SHAKE (premier protein)
Then I made a Bean Pancake, and pureed it, added cheese and fat free sour cream. So doesn't look appealing but so delish. Must try. I ate 3 bites! Rest in Garbage.
*Yeah I know it doesn't look good at all, but trust me tastes amazing. And FULL of protein. YAY. Win win.
WATER
Then Tuna, YUM. I pureed the can of tuna with 1 dill pickle and a spoon of mayo, salt/pepper to taste. Sooooooo Yummy. I weighed out 2.3oz, but only got 2 spoonful's in. Tuna Juice for dog, leftovers in fridge.
A few Tips / Observations:
- I have always hated LEFTOVERS, as when I was young my dad would make 1 pot of food on like a Monday and we would eat from that same pot the whole week long. Oh I hated that, and it wasn't even food safe stored. It just sat on the stove the whole week. So this is hard for me. I mean there are natural left over food, beef, tuna, chicken etc that you can make into a new creation, however I can re-heat and eat the same bean puree for days.. Not happening. So eating 2 bites is gonna take some getting used to. I'm not going to re-eat eggs, for me it grosses me out, so 1 egg, and me eating 2 bites seems like such a waste. I hate waste...clearly I would have in the past ate everything and it wanst a problem, but I was cooking for 10 with only 2 of us eating. Now I have to adjust to only cooking/ prepping for me (and Chris), which is hard. How do you stop the fat girl mentality to switching to eating like a toddler.
-Had a fight with my Ninja, no clue how to puree a non wet substance, like a can of tuna, I think I lost most of the tuna to the experimenting trying to get er done. I switched from Magic bullet to Ninja, and then said screw it, mixed in my pickle cut very small, and 1 spoon of mayo, and just chewed it to death before swallowing.
-So hard to tell when you are full. I turned the TV off, and just sat there and ate each bite so slowly, and chewed like 40 times each small bite. I had to concentrate, eat with a kids spoon (so helpful), and after each bite waited until I know it hit my belly and was okay before tempting a new bite. Then stopped when I heard noise. Didn't want to push it. I put it back in fridge and will try again in a bit to get more in.
-This eating thing is a task. Its a process and takes a lot of your day. Stop, go, stop go, wait 1/2hr, drink water, wait again and try eating more. Weigh everything, count your proteins, measure your portions, think of getting all your water in. Its a juggling match and it takes a lot of thought. I constantly thinking #s in my head. I need this much more protein today, if I stop eating now, I could get enough water in my 5pm to be where I need to be. Its crazy. The only good thing is you think of food as necessity and not food for taste.
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WEDNESDAY
Well yesterday was a first. I had my first throw up and not so cool. I went for lunch with a friend, and quickly learned that Seafood Chowder is not my friend. I had just 4 bites, made it home and then up-chucked it. I hate throwing up. I hate feeling gross, and it ruined all my other food for the day, not to mention a loss of the calories I consumed which really pissed me off. I cant afford to lose any at this point. Listen to me, who would of ever thought Id be concerned about having to little calories. Too funny. Anyways it also poured yesterday so I was so wet from my walk, and couldn't get warmed up. Had to have a hot shower to do so. I am not a fan of hot showers at all, and each pound I lose the colder I become. I'm freezing all the time. I have been sleeping with socks on which I never do.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'm anxious about turning 40. Really this is just a tough week to have a bad one. My birthday has always been a big deal to me, and I like to reflect a lot of my birthday, and this year is HUGE. 40. Like 40 years of my life has come and gone. You know before this surgery I wasn't seeing a future, I didn't want to think about 40 more years and how it would be. I never lived outside the moment I was in, which is both positive and not. BUT now, I see a future, I see myself exploring my mind of what's to come, what I can do, what I will be able to do. I think I thought smart, I think I only included thought processes of the next year, the next trip, having the best fun today, BUT now I see myself crossing off some of my bucket lists that were not attainable at my weight. I feel good already, can only imagine how I will feel in a year, what I will be doing In 2 year, 5 years, and all the extra time in my life I get to spend with my husband. I'm not walking death row now, with an unforeseeable future but living.
*I had the best dinner. 2 oz of Cottage Cheese (which I always hated before surgery), with a tea spoon of salsa! Loved it. I'm not a sweet lover but savory...bring in on. Anyone have any savory suggestions....let me know. I need ideas!
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THURSDAY
"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY"
Its a weird year for me, and I have had a whole series of thoughts this week, from excitement for the year I have had, reflection of my life, and celebration for these 40 years and coming full circle. I have been overly putting a lot of pressure on myself for this birthday to make up for my 30th which was a train wreck, but also wanting to hide under covers all day as I am not in the best head space. I lined up tons of appointments today to keep myself busy which you will hear about later, and plan on going for a long walk to just reconnect with the new me. My new life doesn't involve cake today, however giving myself the gift of exercise is huge for me. Never have I ever in my life said I'm gonna exercise of my birthday!
*Phone call with Health Nutrition Counselling Program today 9:30am:
I just got off the phone with Adrian Penner.
As it was our first chat we talked a lot about the surgery, how I feel, what I have been eating, and what some of my concern are:
-Carbs and re-introducing them into my body. As Carbs (breads, chips) are trigger foods for me, I worry about eating them being a slippery slope.
-Water and not getting enough in.
-Stalling and overcoming what that means and how to cope with the ideas of not losing. What foods help jumpstart movement on scales etc.
The long short of it is:
Carbs are a necessity to sustain a healthy diet and lifestyle. She suggested introducing 1 at a time, and keep it a good carb. Oatmeal, Sweet Potato, Potato etc. BUT yes protein first and this is a long time down the road so don't fixate on it.
Water, set an alarm to remind yourself to drink. Don't worry so much on the amount (2litres), concentrate on making sure you are getting some in. Switch your protein shakes, to all water instead of 1/2 milk/ 1/water. Boom more water in.
Weight Stalls - You body is confused that your not eating as much as you had before surgery. Was fine with eating a small amount but thought it would start getting more food at some point, but now realizes that this is all its getting. Your belly is preserving what it has inside as it goes into starvation mode. Cant let go of what the body has left so it holds it in and causes this stall phase. Letting small amounts go at a time but hangs on to most. Once your belly is used to this new eating plan, getting little amounts, it will start losing again.
Gals for week: Try to go from 300 calories up to 500 calories, eating a couple more bites each serving, and adding another meal at night. Get more water in.
*Counselling Appointment with Bill @ 11:30am:
So I went into my appointment with pre-conceived idea of what we would talk about and we went full out the opposite direction. It was good I guess it changed my thought process and made me think, and challenged me a bit.
We were sitting there and Bill asked me, 1 year from now, if we were to meet in a coffee shop what goals would you have reached, and I began talking about it, as you all know I don't like the goal setting. I get discouraged thinking about future goals and putting a time stamp on them per say. I said Id just like to be healthy, feel okay about who I was and the direction I was heading in, and be fully recovered from injuries.
He stopped me and asked about the injuries, and we began a very great conversation about my car accident, and through reliving it, he stopped me several times and made me just sit in the feeling, or pain I was feeling at that moment. Fun Right?!?!!?
We went a bit further in the journey and he stopped me again, as he noticed my body react to the story. He made me aware of the flinching, the hand up to my neck, my hands turn to fists, and head posture. We sat In those moments, and adjusted how I reacted to those memories, changing the body memories of those thoughts. We breathed, we changed the pain into awareness, and came up with ideas on how to cope. He said that as I take control, I reacted like I would after the crash thinking we had a crash, we are alive, tell Laura to get out, get information, take pics, and then went into jotting down details etc, not allowing myself to sit in the moment and address the pain, so my body didn't get to work through the process. Almost like my injuries are still in the shock of the moment.
I wont get into it to far as I know therapy isn't for everyone, but it helped me learn how to change the process when I feel the pain, and be self aware of my body dealing with it or compensating for the injury.
*I went for a fabulous Birthday walk with Bailey today, and it was good. I walked further, took pleasure in the time I got be outside, and be with my dog. I stopped and checked out the view for a few moments over the ay, and thought about just how lucky I really am. It has been an amazing year behind me, and will be even better in front of me. I'm so reflective on my birthday. I am lucky I have family that supports me, a husband who treats me like a princess, and friends I know have my back. Life really isn't that bad. Next year I cant wait to see how much mental & physical growth I acquired! Now for some pureed lunch.
*WLS Patients:
One thing I that happened to me was the day after surgery I began the oddest, weirdest, menstrual cycle. It lasted from Feb 13 - Feb 27 2016 ( 2 weeks). It was painful cramping, and odd consistency. I was a bit nervous at first that it was from my stomach, but after speaking with Doctor. Z, and him taking a look at belly etc, he comforted me by letting me know it was just an abnormal cycle brought on by stress of surgery. Just an FYI, my GP doctor says this is completely normal, while your body tries to cope with what has happened inside.
Stay Tuned ~ Nat
Body/Mind Under Construction
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